The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem