The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

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16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.


“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.


Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.


i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways


I’m not saying I’m antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I’m doing I just tell them to Google it.


Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.