living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.