The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
You Might Also Like
You going to eat those sausages?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
Women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics