The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Only short people can save us
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now