The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.