Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.