The Compass
You Might Also Like
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
This raises questions
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Me irl
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.