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@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@thomastf04

British people playing guitar be like this ones called bloke on the water

@poutinesmoothie

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

@Matt_the_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@unmehlievable

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

@wildethingy

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.