The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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excuse me
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.