The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.