The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.