the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
sry
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.