“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
Cop: Get out.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.