the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”


Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?


[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.


“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.


Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock


Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that Iโ€™ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.


Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Faster.
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.


Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.


If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go


Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.