the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.