@Briidashian

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@DothTheDoth

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

@lilgapeach30

I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.

@bingowings14

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

@Daisyldoo

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.