The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30


As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.


Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.


[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.


[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”


The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.