The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Sniffing the broccoli
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Sorry not sorry.