the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
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“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Covid like
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted