GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You sure about that?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.