The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
January has been Januweary
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.