@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

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@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@texasstalkermom

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

@UnFitz

I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.

@HomeProbably

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@TuSoonShakur

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

@UnFitz

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.