The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it