The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

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Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.


“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein


Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring


I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.


I like my women like I like my Starbucks. Expensive, bitter and calling me by the wrong name.


The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.


Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.


If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too


Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.


Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.