The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.