ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.