The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
broke down and did it
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Found my door mat
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.