“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
it be like that
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me