The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Meow
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
A bold strategy
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion