@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

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@SamGrittner

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

@OrdinaryAlso

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@weinerdog4life

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@Steelers1972

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@UnFitz

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

@LostFelicia

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.