@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

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@krissywillbretz

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

@sarah1mc

I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.

@KylePlantEmoji

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@pleatedjeans

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

@Gupton68

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.