The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.