The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown


I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.


Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?


Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.


U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything


I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.


The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.


Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.