The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.