The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*