The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.


My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.


Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.


wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some


I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he’s in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.


DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back* Gimme a very slow exhale.



I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”