The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”