the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984