The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*