@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@CornerPubRon

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

@sixfootcandy

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

@JuiceTooWavie

So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me

@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@AngryRaccoon2

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.