Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
14: Wanna play a game?
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes