@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

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@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

@thejessbess

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@GrimReaperInc

The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

@AmberDonn

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@Ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@Mr_Kapowski

[fancy restaurant]

Wife: How was the bathroom?

Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall