The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
accurate
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!