@1InTheStinker

The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.

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@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@Home_Halfway

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

@EllaZee5

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

@tweetsaboutdog

cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck

cop:

me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea

criminal:

me: you know why i pulled you over?

@InternetHippo

A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before

@TheOnlyMommaG

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00