@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

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@hobo_hands

Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.

@BoomBoomBetty

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your familyโ€™s accounts

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@Bredwh

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@BuckyIsotope

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

@UnFitz

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.