The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*