“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
A bathroom fixture is knocking at your door.
Just let that sink in.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.
*I’ll show myself out*
There’s a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters