@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

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@KyleMcDowell86

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@djdarrellripley

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

@K8yH8y

There’s a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.

@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@AbbieEvansXO

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters