The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

You Might Also Like


Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.


You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your familyโ€™s accounts


Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.


My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.


FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.


My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.


Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.