The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.