[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My blood type is b hungry.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
good for her
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”