@Tommytoughstuff

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

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@rodney_at_large

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

@tweetsbyrocket

her: have you tried mindfulness

me: dude my mind is like…the whole problem

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

@SumReecesPieces

“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.

@sexypitabread

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

@GuyThe_Guy

It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

@fro_vo

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message