[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
whatever floats ur goat
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…
I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.