@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

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@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@dubiousrhetoric

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

@JustBeingEmma

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

@Swishergirl24

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

@ryanqnorth

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

@StoferComic

An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…

@drinksmcgee

I celebrate Friday the 13th in the traditional way… by going into the woods and murdering every sexy teenager I can find.

@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.