@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

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@ShootyDoody

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

@kyry5

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

@mommajessiec

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

@ScreaminZeman

When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”