The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Holy crap this is wonderful
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
don’t be scared
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.