The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

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I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.


[first day on the job as a drug dealer]


“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*


I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.


Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.


Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*



When I go out to eat I wear a shirt w/ a picture of me shirtless on it, because I hate rules but I like service.


I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.


I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”