The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Bless you
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.