the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Not😆🤣
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.