the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.