The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
gm
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
emergency phone
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.