I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.