the council will decide your fate
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
$3 #books
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.