the council will decide your fate

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I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.


That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography


A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”


I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience


my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no


Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*


If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.


[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*