@cowboij

the council will decide your fate

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@Abby__Rose

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

@In_Twittaland

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@SexySpainNights

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

@mrjohndarby

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*