I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
my brain: then delete them
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich