@cowboij

the council will decide your fate

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@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@Gre_Gone

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@mortimermaiden

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

@iMonkGreen

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

@jazmasta

“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
“…traffic”

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?