I’d rather blow up my house than clean it.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“David you’re late again!”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?