The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

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A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime


You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.


My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.


“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”


“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”


You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.


Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.


A homeless guy by the Gas station just proposed to me,it’s a little short notice but I’m not getting any younger am I?


Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!