@vanderwangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

@krismuscookie

The WHICHING hour: when I lay awake in the wee hours labouring over which comebacks I should have used in every argument I’ve ever had.

@TheAlexNevil

*job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@lil_mermaid

i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king

@laughandrun

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

@ryan_rachryan80

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.