The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

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I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it — it just fell and ran away. I was all, ‘Oh my God, he knows what I look like.’


How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.


When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram


Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”


How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra


Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”


*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd


Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*


[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast


Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.