[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
fired
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.