My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
translated into Canadian
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.