me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.