“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
It’s the weekend y’all
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
How it started How it’s going
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news