@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.

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@perlhack

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

@Hormonella

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@bracealmighty

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@slooberbie

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation