The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”