The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
