the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls