@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

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@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Her:..
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.

@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@notthattom

i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”

@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@BunAndLeggings

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

@Reverend_Scott

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.