@anerdonfire2

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@IntrepidDeviant

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

@wittwitbarista

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

@Cpin42

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.