The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed


I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.


Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?


Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.


Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.


When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.