@anerdonfire2

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

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@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@JessObsess

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

@ThugRaccoons

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.

@NikkiGlaser

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.