The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??