The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Mistakes were made
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
was Jim off killing horses or…
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Gods work.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏