The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.